The midwife...

I don't like blogs without pictures, so I found this picture and it kind of makes me think of midwives, a little. This is Joshua and I in Chicago.

Oh, and the new background is kind of St. Patty's day-ish. Don't tell Joshua! :) He's pretty devout Protestant Catholic, he wouldn't approve. lol.

We've been researching, a lot about natural birth. So, we went and saw Dana Ericson yesterday. She's one of the 3 whopping midwives in Des Moines, ugh! It's so frustrating. I've been researching about what kind of birth I want. Well, I know what I do NOT want. I don't want a C-section. At all. Nope. No way. No how. No thanks. Midwives have much lower C-section rates which is something I'm interested due to the large size of Stewardson babies. I don't want a C-section on the first.

So, we went to visit her, and she' won't take us. Why? It's my first and we have longer labors. Really? Isn't that what they criticize the doctors for thinking? So, yeah, I almost cried. One other midwife is dirty, and the other is impossible to track down. It doesn't seem fair that I can't have the birth that I think is best. It's so aggravating. Yes, I'm part hippie... So, Joshua and I have talked about it. We've decided to stick with the Iowa Health midwives who are a lot like going to a doctor's practice, but at least they can't do C-sections, so they'd be less likely to just willy nilly suggest one. I think we're going to hire a doula though, so that we can have an experienced advocate in the room. Plus, I am not getting an epidural. They make it so you can't push as well, so then you're more likely to have a C-section. So, a doula is really good at helping you do things to make you less likely to need pain meds. I think I'm just going to have to brainwash myself so I just don't think they're an option. But, yeah, that's scary!

Okay, ranting aside.... We learned somethings about nutrition yesterday from the midwife though, so that's cool. Apparently it's all about building a healthy placenta. So, I'm all about that, I can pump up my placenta like a pro, just watch out! So, I think I need to eat a lot more lean meats. It's such a blessing, because I really have excellent eating habits, so that's huge. I just need to tweek a few things. I think I also want to be going a bit more organic. I just don't want tons of yucky stuff in my babies. (No, I'm probably not having twins, I'm just not ready to rule out the possibility.) So, it's nice to have a goal to get a little bit healthier.

I've been practicing piano a lot today. I was thinking that my kids are probably going to be more musical for it. The piano sits at my belly, so they have front row seats. They're probably thinking, "mom, that's not how that song sounds..." lol Hopefully I'm also teaching them to be flexible, right?

35 weeks to go!

This is me, freezing. I've been a lot colder normally, which I think is bunk! :) I thought you got a ton warmer, like too hot. I've been looking forward to that since it's so cold here in Iowa, but unfortunately I think I'm actually colder now! We've had to put extra blankets on the bed. Is that weird or what? Maybe it's not related at all, but when you have your first pregnancy, you'll think it causes everything too! :)

The one true thing about pregnancy is the weird food stuff. I LOVE potatoes, L-O-V-E them. My nutritionist is having me eat one more starch per meal so I was psyched, because what does that mean? More potatoes! But... As of yesterday, I simply cannot eat them with out wanting to gag. They smell like potting soil to me, which is strangely unappealing. How sad is that? Sad. So, now I will be dramatically increasing my quantity of rice which actually sounds really good.

Notice the HUGE stack of pregnancy books we got from the library (two are missing actually). But, we had so much fun sitting on the floor at the library looking through them. It's weird because you don't have your doctor's appointment until week 10-12, so we have a ton of questions. I don't like that practice for our first pregnancy. Yeah, I guess a lot of people have miscarriages before then, but I guess you just feel like you're missing something that could be making the baby healthier. So, I guess I'll just hit the books, since I have plenty!

Another weird food thing, I haven't really been hungry at all. I thought I would get these like ravenous food cravings, but I haven't. Most of the time I really don't want to eat. The only thing that I really could eat all day long is grapes. Kind of a weird craving, but I just can't get enough of them!

I have been a lot more tired recently. Today Joshua had a meeting and I drove out with him. I waited in the car and was totally passed out when he got back. At about 6:00pm I hit my wall and feel like it's bedtime. Unfortunately that doesn't fly in real life, bummer... :)

But I totally love all of this happening because it helps me to know that there's something that God is forming in my body. I'm so excited. What a blessing to get to carry a baby! :) Especially with this man:

With those mad slinky skills, he's definitely going to be a great dad. :)
(actually, I think the fact that he loves to play is really going to be so sweet to see with our kids, the slinky is just an indicator :)

I like us together... :)

Plus, I've been getting twice the love! :) Actually, we are more in love than ever, but that was even before we knew we were pregnant... :)

We're trying to figure out when to tell our parents. Before, I always wanted to wait a really long time just in case we something goes wrong, but now I'm totally of the opposite opinion. I'd want them to know if something went wrong, so I want them to share in the joy as soon as possible. The only problem is that Joshua's parents live pretty far a way and we really want to tell them in person. So, We're planning to go up there at the end of March. Which will actually be after my first appointment, so hopefully we'll have some idea of what's going on by then. It's just hard to wait so long. That's nearing the end of my first trimester, so it seems like a loss to not get to go through it with our parents. Especially in getting advice in where to go for medical stuff.

At least I feel a little bit better since Joshua got me this awesome tea, lol. He used to always sneak this into our cart as a joke. Well, he went out and bought this for me as a surprise with a really sweet card. He got himself a York peppermint patty. I was thinking later, "Really, who eats chocolate in front of a dieting pregnant women who hasn't had sugar in a month?" He does! No, I like that he can eat fun things, and really don't have a problem with it. Especially since I hate those York things...

Actually, it's really smooth and pretty good! Until I saw that pregnant women shouldn't have herbal tea, everything is a contradiction

As far as medical stuff is concerned, we're wanting to go pretty natural. We're still researching, but are way more leaning that way. So, we have an appointment with the Midwifes at Methodist Hospital March 18th. It kills me that they wait that long to make sure everything is going okay, but oh well! We also contacted Dana Erikson who is a Certified Nurse Midwife who only does at home births. I don't think I'm open to that my first time. I want to be a hospital just in case, plus, if all of our family is in our apartment with no waiting room, I'd probably freak. Just a lot of people when I'm in a lot of pain. :) But, she also is a doula, which I'm pretty set on wanting. I really don't want to have drugs, so I think it would be really helpful to have suggestions for how to make it less painful naturally and maybe even go faster. Plus, she'd probably be a good advocate for not having a C-section when the time comes. It's just that Joshua and I were such big babies at a whopping 10lbs8oz and 10lbs2oz. I laugh when people talk about having big babies at around 8lbs.... But it's all what you're used to. I wouldn't mind getting used to 8lb babies.

It's been weird to be so in tune with my body. Every little thing has me freaked out. Is the baby okay? Did I just sneeze the baby out? Seriously? At least I can laugh at how freaked out I am. It's just a scary thing not knowing if the baby is okay.

For dinner tonight we made a rice thing that was super good. It's such a good pregnancy food because rice has NO smell and is super bland. The only problem is that I absolutely don't want to eat. After eating, I feel so full, like sick. I'm eating what I used to, but now it makes me queasy. Well, hopefully my stomach will get used to it. Or else I'll have to look like this the whole 9 months... And that's just not too attractive:

Last thing in this super long blog. I'm SO excited. We're scheduled to visit Joshua's family March 25-April 6! Yay! We'll finally be able to tell them then. We miss them, so it will be nice to be together even if they're super busy. It will be fun to get to hear what they think about pregnancy and birth and all that, so I'm super excited. That also means that we'll get to tell my parents around then. It kills me that they don't know. I want to share it with them! But it will all come about soon enough. I just realized that I really need to be careful not to want to rush this. This is a once in a life time wonderful, beautiful experience. I want to enjoy and relish it. It's not something to get through. It's a great part of our journeys, and I'm really enjoying being right where we are! So of course I'm so thrilled for hopefully meeting this baby (or babies) in 35 weeks, but I still want to enjoy this wonderful time!

Be careful what you blog for... :) :)

So... did you see my last post? The "I could use a couple of these" post? Yeah, well, I got what I wished for, just in an unexpected way...

I had been feeling a little off, but figured it was because I was about to start my period. The further it went though, the more I got suspicious... I was feeling a lot more tired, and just a little queasy, nothing too bad. Well, this last weekend Joshua and I went on a Valentine's day trip to Minneapolis. We went to the water park of America. We had a great time, I even did the boogie board surfing thing, pretty off the hook. We actually had so much fun, I got my first black eye. We were playing in the wave pool with a double raft. We were taking turns trying to flip each other over. Well, I was trying to flip the raft over and somehow got a little under it and the handle with ALL of Joshua's weight came down on me. Oh well, I feel like I have my fun park badge of honor. That night, Joshua took me to the Outback, my fave. Then he took me to Ikea and I picked out some awesome stuff, wasn't that the absolute sweetest thing ever? He was so much fun to shop with, we had a blast!

Us Being Super Cute!!!

After that we went back to a crazy cool hotel, Aloft. We played shuffle board (I think) which is really fun. Joshua is super great at it, but I managed to pull ahead... :) We got to see a speed dating thing in the lobby, so it was super cool. Well that night I was so exhausted, all I could do was collapse on the bed and sleep. But we actually ended up watching the Olympic Opening Ceremonies, which was so cool since it is in Vancouver. I could see the pride swelling in Joshua. They did such a great job, it was awesome!

The next day, Saturday, we went to the Guthrie Theatre right next to our hotel and did the backstage tour. Let me tell you, I NEVER knew how much work goes into all of that! It's absolutely crazy! The had a full tailor's/costume shop, this huge workplace, just unbelievable. They do everything from scratch. Talk about intense... :) Next we headed over to the Mall of America theme park. I wasn't sure about it, because that nagging thought in the back of my mind kept saying, "what if you're pregnant?" But I ALWAYS think that I'm pregnant and totally freak out. So, I told myself that we were very careful and that there was no way. I've let the thought of maybe being pregnant stop us from doing fun things before, not this time! We had so much fun. We rode every ride and loved it. Joshua is such a good ride buddy, talk about a great sport!

After that we headed home, and got home really late. The next day we stayed home and bummed around that house. I still had that feeling like maybe I could be pregnant. I told Joshua that I wanted to test, just to be sure so I would stop worrying about it. What if I hurt something by riding roller coasters? Ah! In the meantime I invited my parents over to our house for my famous mac and cheese! :) We had to get a couple things for that, so we ran to Hy-Vee. While there we picked up a pregnancy test, Hy-vee brand cheapo one. We got home, I took the test... I pulled of the cover after 3 minutes and it said:

NOTHING!

I was disappointed but just glad to know. Well, we looked a bit harder and there was seriously the faintest line ever, like not sure if it was an evaporation mark or what. This was the definition of ambifuity. So now I'm really freaking out, what in the world! But, no time to freak out, my parents were going to be there in like 5 minutes, so I tell Joshua to stash the evidence as I prepare a bit more. They come over, I'm just slightly distracted, but try to be a good hostess. I go to the bathroom right and what do I see in the trash can? The package with, "PREGNANCY TEST" written all over in the very top. Joshua thought I was going to deal with it, I thought he would... So this would be no big deal BUT my mom had just been in there. I hide the wrapper, cringe, and really hope my mom didn't see it. Well, if she did, she never said anything... After they left, I got the other test out (the reason for 2 packs...) and test. SAME THING! So, just saying Hy-Vee tests are awful. So, here I was all night freaking out, not wanting to get my hopes up. What did I do the next morning? What would any woman do? I went and got a digital test. (May I just mention here how wonderfully supportive my husband has been of this whole insane process considering he doesn't believe in pregnancy tests, and at this point I've bought 4 (the digital came in a two pack too...) :) So I take the test, more confident this time. At least it will say, "NOT PREGNANT" or "PREGNANT." I just know. Well, 3 minutes pass, and...

Can you guess what happened?

It said...

Are you ready for this?






PREGNANT!!!!!!!

Holy Cow! I'm pregnant! I'm so excited. Joshua and I decided to be really careful since I'm still in school. We love children and want them SO badly, but were wanting to wait until I finished school. Well, we were really careful, so you know what this makes it? A miracle baby. We can't even believe how overjoyed we are at this surprise from God! We are so happy, we'd just been talking about how it's hard to wait and know that we won't be as young as we would like when we start trying to have kids. Well, thank you God!

So, after we find out, I have a slight freak out moment... What if I hurt my baby by going on roller coasters? Seriously, the only time I haven't been super careful! So, what do I do? I of course take the second test, still pregnant. That's good. I immediately made an appointment at the DMU clinic to get my blood tested before I get my hopes up. I talk to the PA, she said that it's perfectly fine to do roller coasters, and not to worry. Okay, starting to breath again, that's good. But I wasn't going to get my hopes up until the blood test. All that night and the next morning, we were holding our breath. (Not literally, that definately wouldn't be good for the baby...) They called the next afternoon and everything was good as far as the blood test. Praise God! My hcg was 44, which is fine. I'm so happy. So, we're now allowing ourselves to get super excited. If something does happen, we want to fully love this baby and this experience to the fullest. I pray that God keeps us healthy and safe. It seems so unreal to be pregnant. It makes me feel so human, so much smaller. My actual first indication that I might be pregnant was only 3 days after, well, you know... I just felt super nauseated all of a sudden, had to run to the bathroom and stand there for a couple minutes. It passed, but was really bizzare. Next was the fact that I was having very vivid dreams, which I never have. I think that maybe women dream more during this time is that it's the closest we are to God. God is inside us weaving this little life inside of you. It's like he's made this present for you, and in 9 months you get to open it. Who will this little person be? What will they look like? It's so exciting! God made this little person for Joshua and me. We truly get to be stewards of children that God made, one day we will give them to a husband or wife to steward who will then present them back to God. We really want to remember that these children are not ours, they are God's.

So goodbye multi-vitamin, hello prenatals!!!
(best part? They're bright pink... :)

So there you go, here is our super exciting news! We're waiting until after the first appointment which I scheduled for March 18th to tell people. We really want to hear the heart beat and make sure everything is okay. It doesn't quite feel real without that. I don't feel too different, so it will be nice to get some indication that the baby is okay. I'm exactly 5 weeks today, so only 35 more to go! Yay!

I could use a couple of these...

I could definitely use a couple of these... Not heroes (although they could be handy sometimes...), but the munchkins in the suits flexing with all their might. Basically, I want to foster, now. We were all set and would have been certified by now, but the state of Texas lost my background check. Now we're held up another couple of weeks. Talk about a let down. I've been getting so excited and prepared. This is my passion, loving on kids and nurturing. I don't really think my master's program is going anywhere, so that's feels futile. But loving and caring for kids, is what we're about. It's a way for us to make a long time impact. So, I'm impatient. I got so discouraged today. But, then I remembered that God always takes care of these situations, and he always has better timing than me. So, I'm praying that God will give me the peace to trust in Him. Like me getting all hyper is going to do anything...

I heard something cool today. I've been really struggling with trying to love God more than Joshua, which is so hard. But, a lady said something really wise. It's not a competition. By loving Joshua, I'm loving God. I need to just pour my whole heart into God, and that love will overflow to Joshua. I need to pour my heart into Joshua, because that's in obedience to God. How cool is that? I was making it too black and white, numbers based. But the thing is I'm supposed to love them both, and things will balance out because my love of Joshua is an act of love for God.

Today was hard. I have a really hard time being productive, and today was extra bad because I had all of these plans. I wanted to go running around Gray's lake, it was crazy snowy. I wanted to clean the house, but the vacuum died (okay... I may have helped it along...) We went out shopping to get a new filter for the vacuum, but NOT ONE store carries it. It was kind of just one thing after the other. I have to clean from top to bottom of the house, so I couldn't clean it without the vacuum. I know, it's weird. I had a schedule written out, but didn't follow it, at all. Arg.

But, I did practice piano, and I cleaned the kitchen, and ate my meals at more reasonable times today. I should celebrate those small victories. I really want to become a more productive person, it's hard.

What do you want to eat?

I made spanish rice tonight, it was amazing, we both loved it. It's a complete serving of everything based on food charts, so it's pretty healthy. I thought I'd put the recipe up on here, since all the other people with blogs always put up their amazing food exploits.

Healthy Spanish Rice (2 servings)

2cup cooked parboiled rice
2 cup onion
1 can chopped green chiles
1lb ground beef
2 cup tomato sauce
4 Tb sour cream

Brown beef in small sauce pan. Take out of pan, then put in the onion and green chiles. Saute for a couple of minutes until al dente. Add rice and beef to pan and stir, make sure it's warm throughout. Then mix in the tomato sauce and let that warm through. Then add oregano, garlic salt, and chili powder to taste. Put on plate and put a dollop of sour cream on it. Enjoy!

It was so good Joshua wanted to eat it and not get pictures taken... :)

We're hopefully going to watch the search for Bobby Fisher tonight. Joshua's been wanting us to watch it for forever, so I'm excited.

Live!

Here, I am sitting at my favorite table at Caribou. I should be studying, but my mind is racing. I feel more alive at coffee shops, with other humans around me, each having their own stories. Just for a few hours will our stories hold something, somewhere in common. I hear them talking, hoping, laughing. It's invigorating. I think I'm a coffee shop junkee. Yeah, I whine that there is nowhere to sit sometimes, but I love when it's packed. The ebb and flow of people coursing through, the life blood of a coffee shop. Oh, it's marvelous. This is in no ways an endorsement for Caribou Coffee. I actually think that everyone that works here must have signed a pack to be unhelpful and grumpy. I come here to exploit there internet. My little way of justice. Do they care? No. Do I? Yup. So here I sit with my tea, the cheapest thing on the menu, justice.

Joshua just called me and interrupted my musings. I was so in tune to my coffee-shop loving self, transcending the average coffee shop squatter. In those moments I feel connected to something greater than myself. Then I get a call that there are not enough pre-cut onions for my poor husband who hates cutting onions. And I return to myself. I want something different than this. I want to be hip and connected.

I haven't had sugar for a week. The want of food has been taken away from me. It's only about what I need. No longer is all my desire spent on food. I now need to think about what I truly desire. What I really hunger for. What if what I hunger for is unobtainable?

I don't want to be going to school right now, I want to think and feel. I want to meet people and drink coffee. I want to run. I want to climb a mountain and spend a whole day in complete solitude, looking over a beautiful landscape. I want to feel the Holy Spirit coursing through my veins. I want to challenge my husband. I want to be alive. I want to laugh and cry. I want to know what I'm feeling. I want to run away, just Joshua and me. Leave everything behind. I want to explore. I want to have kids and teach them about love. I want to be vibrant. I want to be beautiful. I want to people to notice when I laugh, and think that there's something different and great about me. I want to lead. I want to follow. I want to dance. I want to misbehave in public, and for Joshua to love me for that. I want to scream. I want to twirl on a daddy's finger. I want to be humble. I want to be neat. I want to decorate my kitchen. I want to speak 50 languages. I want to talk to everyone in the world. I want to be loved unconditionally, and I want to be liked unconditionally. I want to love unconditionally. I want to try everything. I want to drive really fast and not worry about crashing. I want to be unafraid. I want to hold a million kids. I want to feed everyone. I want to see the great wall of China. I want to write a book that makes people enjoy who they are, that doesn't require them to leave themselves. I want to sleep, I want to stay up all night. I want to be held. I want to throw a temper tantrum. I want to fix something. I want Joshua to be my best friend. I want to be independent. I want to be responsible.

That's just the start.

I don't want to be engulfed by the mundane. I don't want to settle for anything less than extraordinary ever again.

Kendall