Change. Sometimes it's sneaks up on you, like one day you're simply dropped off dizzy, standing in a toy littered living room with a naked toddler running through all the other rooms of your house yelling "JOOOOOO-DAH!" wondering how in the world your newborn is almost 2 year old. Some times it pounces on you, giving you little warning and no explanation. So, you cling to God, and praise him for faithfulness and guidance. Right now we're in all degrees and seasons of change. Beautiful, life defining change. Gorgeous, faith strengthening change.
Where do I even begin? Birth. Asher's birth to be exact. Remember this post when I was really failing struggling with patience? It's pretty obvious that I was wrestling with some pretty big stuff around that time. But, what wasn't so obvious and only a few people knew about, was that I was on a break from God. The break actually dates from before Judah was born. I'm sorry for misleading you. I didn't know what to do, it's hard to tell people that you're not a Christian any more. Not that I didn't want to be a Christian, I did so badly. That's actually not true, I didn't want to be a real Christian. I don't even know how to explain it. It's like I just wanted to believe in Jesus, not have to think about it or have a relationship with him and I wanted that to be enough.
Why the break? I just couldn't see how Jesus was who he said he was. I hate even typing that, because it goes against everything I'd been raised to believe. But, it's truth. How could the God of the old testament and the God of the new testament be the same? How could Jesus be the promised Messiah? I totally felt for the Jewish people, it's confusing and hard to understand. How come it's talks so much about the Holy Spirit in the Bible and I don't see evidence of Him today? How come I admitted to God that I totally need him and nothing happened? Why can't I hear God? Why don't people get healed today? Why do bad things happen? All these questions flooded in. I had grown up glossing over these. People I respected believed in Jesus, that was good enough for me. Until it wasn't. Then my world shattered. When you've grown up just assuming that the world fits within your understanding and that you're eternal so you never need to worry about anything (even though you actually worry about everything), it's a huge shock to have all that pulled out from under you. It's like I'd been hushing those questions all my life and one day I stopped hushing them and they flooded in. For a while I resisted, I can't be asking these questions. What if I died right now asking these questions? Maybe I'd go to hell. Then it hit me: I probably would have gone to hell before. I told my in-laws that I was no longer a Christian, but searching and my mother-in-law said something that really struck me. She told me about a client she had that was going through something similar and then she said "that's a really honest place to be." That's totally true. At that moment, it's like reality began to slowly seep into my life, like a little ray of hope. Truth. It's so beautiful that even when you aren't in relationship with God, He is still truth and truth can still change your life.
So, I wrestled for a year or so. When I say wrestle, I actually mean thought about it every now and again, but then got frustrated or discouraged to then blocked reality out of my life. I felt far from God, and I wanted HIM to do something about it. I was totally happy to admit my complete inability to come to him myself, and wanted Him to completely rescue me. I envision it like saving a comatose victim from a burning building, and I think I would have been happy to stay comatose forever. Obviously, when you're in this situation you can't see that you're wanting something so sad and so far from the heart of God.
Then, when we got back from England, Joshua and I had a fight. Yes, we fight sometimes. And, no, having a hormonal, pregnant wife who is also not a Christian did not help the situation surprisingly. I was telling Joshua how I wasn't feeling pursued by him and how that broke my heart. We were both getting pretty upset, so we decided to have some alone time, which is actually pretty rare for us. It was like as soon as Joshua left the room, through my sobbing I heard God say, "When have you ever pursued me like you're asking Joshua to pursue you." And then it hit me, I'm breaking God's heart. And then, all of a sudden I didn't even care about Joshua pursuing me. Honestly, at that moment, I couldn't have cared less if Joshua had never loved me. It didn't matter. I wanted to pursue God. I wanted to spend some time with God, so I went downstairs (we were actually at our friends house during this...) and just grabbed a book off the shelf to read. It was Crazy Love by Francis Chan.
There are so many particular things that stood out to me about Crazy Love, more than I could ever remember or tell you. It really helped open my eyes. It was the first time I had pursued God. The most important thing I think that it did was help me to spend time in my Bible. I had never really read my Bible consistently or outside of church. (So, when I say things like I couldn't see how I didn't understand how Jesus could be the Messiah, I also wasn't looking.) I never had the discipline, honestly. I would even sit down and say to myself, "Self, I'm going to do a detailed study on Isaiah to see about Jesus being the Messiah." Let's just say I'd be surprised if I ever got to Isaiah 3. But I was finally seeing how amazing God was (falling in love), and so I wanted to find out more about him. So, I was still kind of having the same problem, but less so. I was falling in love with God, but still unsure about Jesus. Then something from the book (actually the Bible, but I read it in the book) stopped me in my tracks. We are Jesus' inheritance. Seriously? Jesus, why didn't you ask for all the riches in the world, all the power in the world. Us, really? If I were to parade about as the Son of God, I wouldn't care about people. I'd care about ME. "If you love me feed my sheep." If you love me, feed me! How could you not fall in love with someone like that? Jesus loves people. I'd always known that he died for sins, but that actually never affected me a ton. Everyone dies (not like that, I know, especially when he didn't have to die ever, but just being honest here), so he died a terrible death, but it never really caused me to drop everything and follow him. But, you know what? His death isn't what caused anyone in the Bible to drop everything and follow him. It was his love. His love is the most amazing thing I've ever heard of. Like he didn't even just care about people's spiritual needs, he cared about people, period. He healed them, he encouraged them, he ate with them. I didn't matter what kind of people. He loved them, he wept over them. So, then I decided I wanted to pursue God and Jesus.
Even then though it wasn't easy (still isn't). It's a journey, which if worthwhile, always involves ups and downs, detours and hardships. I would still forget how cool Jesus was, I would still struggle with discipline. This is silly, because I know I said this story started at Asher's birth, but we are just now getting to the time right before I had Asher. It's true, but this was the journey. I remember struggling with patience, basically I was struggling with my own insignificance. Like, I can't control anything, not even when my baby comes. God could kill me right now, or take away everything I have and I couldn't do anything. Moreover, few people would/should even notice or care. I'm just that small. I was also struggling still with why God just wouldn't rescue me. I knew I needed God, why wouldn't he just save me? I remember going outside one night, completely freezing but just sobbing for God to save me. I just wanted to feel God. I went back inside and I still hadn't felt God. There were a few weeks in here where I wrestled with this, why wouldn't God just save me? Then somewhere in there, God showed me that it's a process (at least for me). It's consistently seeking him. It's falling in love, not a sudden arranged marriage. So, we kind of began courting. I started listening to a sermon a day, reading my Bible consistently, praying more consistently. All with God's strength and help. Then it would be like I'd have a question in my head and very distinctly and directly would God answer it. I read Forgotten God (by Francis Chan, read it after Crazy Love, seriously do it.), so I started praying for the Holy Spirit in my life. Just slow and steady, everyday, persistent. I'd love to go through all the things that God has taught me/is teaching me. But they're too numerous for here right now. If there's any questions, I'd love to talk about them. Then there was about a time about 3 months ago, where I looked back at the last couple weeks and realized that I totally trusted in God. That I was a follower of Christ and had this beautiful relationship with the creator of the Universe. It's the real thing. I talk to God and he hears me. God shows me things from his word, gives me wisdom beyond my understanding, and tangibly, miraculously meets my needs as only he can. The best part? Joshua has taken this journey with me. I don't know if there's a time where he would ever say he wasn't a Christian, but I know that there's been a huge change in him as well. He's leading our family like never before, he's so in love with God, and so in love with God's people. God's letting us join with Him in his kingdom on Earth. There are still days when it's hard, but there's this binding faith that is amazing. I'm learning that it's not a "once saved, always saved" thing for me. I'm not saying anything bad about that doctrine, because I honestly have no idea how salvation works. But, I know for me, I want to be in relationship with God consistently, almost constantly. It's not something where I'm saved, and can check that off the list. It's like I don't have to wait until I die to receive my reward, I have a relationship with God. Yes, God, the one who made the Universe, God. The most amazing being ever loves me. That's my reward, it's not a saved thing. It's a getting to live out his kingdom right now thing.
We're seeing more and more of the Holy Spirit's fruit in our lives. Like things that could never come from us are showing up in our lives. It's totally radical and amazing. Like I've lost 23 pounds, have never followed a diet before in my life, but God is burdening my heart for people that don't have enough food and has convicted me about overeating. In parenting, sometimes the Holy Spirit will stop me and ask what the most loving response to a situation would be. Like, when I'm super stressed and grumpy, he just stops me. It could only be from him, trust me. The Holy Spirit is showing me how much he loves people and helping me yield to that love. Never could come from me. He's showing me evidence of himself in other people that I've never seen before. It's amazing. No, I don't have all the answers, but it's a journey, it's supposed to be a journey and God is with me.
What does that look like tangibly right now for us? We have no idea! It's true. All we know is that right now God wants us to get out of debt so that we are not serving two masters. We need to be free to go/do whatever God calls us to. Then, we're planning to move to Portland in August. We're thinking that's where he's calling us, but are open to whatever he has for us. So, we're just journeying with God, open to his call. Living right now where he has called us. We know we want to love people, feed people, serve people to follow Christ's example, that's about it.
I didn't aim to write my testimony when I started this, but it just kind of flowed out of me from the Holy Spirit. Miraculously, both of my babies slept this entire time and are just now waking up. Yeah, God is good.
Kendall
