New Year, New Diagnosis

Happy New Year!  As soon as I had been unnecessarily honked at twice this morning, I remembered it was the new year.  New diets and having to go back to work/school today are making people grumpy!  Thankfully our van got a flat tire yesterday and our car wouldn't start this morning, so by the time I got on the road, I was too apathetic to care about all the crankies.  Dodged that bullet!

I have debated writing about this with myself for a few months now, but have come to a conclusion: I need to unload some weight.  Not just the New Year's dieting plans we all make, although that's on the docket too.  I'm talking about emotional weight.  I'm carrying around burdens that are too heavy for me.  We need people to walk with us, to pray with us.

This last year has been one of the craziest times in our lives.  I was working on my Master's degree, studying for the MCAT and applying and interviewing for medical school.  Joshua was working full time, maintaining the house, and wrangling two busy boys.  Judah and Asher both attended preschool as well as music lessons and gymnastics.  That was already hectic, and then Judah started having seizures again. They came back with a vengeance unfortunately.  We pursued many different avenues to try to figure out what was going on, and we have finally learned that he has Doose syndrome.  Joshua and I are both thankful to be able to put a name to what is happening to our sweet boy and the information that is coming alongside that, but are mourning what this could mean for him.  It is an 'intractable epilepsy' which means it's really hard to control the seizures with medicine.  It could spontaneously go away someday, or he could have it forever.  He's already started experiencing physical motor developmental delays, and those could become more profound. There's just so much we don't know. He's been having a few types of seizures, and they are all unpleasant for him.  The worst though is what is called a "drop seizure."  They usually only happen when he's sitting at the table for some reason, and they cause his head to slam violently on the table.  Can you imagine being only 4 years old and never know when or if you're going to face plant at full speed into your food?  We've had goose eggs and black eyes from how hard he hits the table.  I took him out to lunch today and forgot to bring his special padded place mat we made him.  He usually has his drop seizures when he first starts eating, so we hold him if we don't have the pad.  We had just sat down, so I hadn't gotten positioned to brace him yet.  He had a terrible drop seizure, and slammed face first into the table.  We both just wept there in the booth.  He deals with things a 4 year old should never have to.  He can't eat anything besides fat and protein to keep the seizures down and still they come.  Through it all he has had the most amazing spirit, but it's starting to affect him too.  We're now seeing fits of rage that are characteristic of children that face the uncertainty of when their next seizure will occur.  It's so hard to think about losing even a tiny bit of who he is, but we're facing losing so much more than that.  Today one minute Judah was telling me how there are 7 continents and the next minute he can't speak or move, his face goes devoid of everything and he begins to drool.  It's terrifying.

With all of that going on, we feel deflated.  I want to write a happy first update, but that's not where we are.  We are tired, sorrowful, and clinging to God.  Actually, I feel so deflated right now, I think I'm draped over Him as He goes about his business.

And so I'm resuming blogging because: writing down what is going on is a good way to process this all in itself, we want to keep our friends and family that are walking through this with us updated on what is going on, and honestly I want to chronicle this journey.  While there are some heart wrenching realities we are facing, we are at the same time witnessing abounding grace and beauty that only come during times of hardship.

We're asking our friends and family to be praying for us especially over the next couple of months.  We are facing some really hard decisions, and desperately need peace and wisdom.

Change

I miss blogging.  I do.  Even though I only do it about once a month *sigh* I love it.  This last month in particular has been rough.  There have been so many cool things going on, but I'm still learning how to be a cool mom and wife AND blog about it.  Very slowly and steadily I'm learning how to use my time better, but  it's a process.  Which is good, process means change.

Change.  Sometimes it's sneaks up on you, like one day you're simply dropped off dizzy, standing in a toy littered living room with a naked toddler running through all the other rooms of your house yelling "JOOOOOO-DAH!" wondering how in the world your newborn is almost 2 year old.  Some times it pounces on you, giving you little warning and no explanation.  So, you cling to God, and praise him for faithfulness and guidance.  Right now we're in all degrees and seasons of change.  Beautiful, life defining change.  Gorgeous, faith strengthening change. 

Where do I even begin?  Birth.  Asher's birth to be exact.  Remember this post when I was really failing struggling with patience?  It's pretty obvious that I was wrestling with some pretty big stuff around that time.  But, what wasn't so obvious and only a few people knew about, was that I was on a break from God.  The break actually dates from before Judah was born.  I'm sorry for misleading you.  I didn't know what to do, it's hard to tell people that you're not a Christian any more.  Not that I didn't want to be a Christian, I did so badly.  That's actually not true, I didn't want to be a real Christian.  I don't even know how to explain it.  It's like I just wanted to believe in Jesus, not have to think about it or have a relationship with him and I wanted that to be enough.  

Why the break?  I just couldn't see how Jesus was who he said he was.  I hate even typing that, because it goes against everything I'd been raised to believe.  But, it's truth.  How could the God of the old testament and the God of the new testament be the same?  How could Jesus be the promised Messiah?  I totally felt for the Jewish people, it's confusing and hard to understand.  How come it's talks so much about the Holy Spirit in the Bible and I don't see evidence of Him today?  How come I admitted to God that I totally need him and nothing happened?  Why can't I hear God?  Why don't people get healed today?  Why do bad things happen?  All these questions flooded in.  I had grown up glossing over these.  People I respected believed in Jesus, that was good enough for me. Until it wasn't.  Then my world shattered.  When you've grown up just assuming that the world fits within your understanding and that you're eternal so you never need to worry about anything (even though you actually worry about everything), it's a huge shock to have all that pulled out from under you.  It's like I'd been hushing those questions all my life and one day I stopped hushing them and they flooded in.  For a while I resisted, I can't be asking these questions.  What if I died right now asking these questions?  Maybe I'd go to hell.  Then it hit me: I probably would have gone to hell before.  I told my in-laws that I was no longer a Christian, but searching and my mother-in-law said something that really struck me.  She told me about a client she had that was going through something similar and then she said "that's a really honest place to be."  That's totally true.  At that moment, it's like reality began to slowly seep into my life, like a little ray of hope.  Truth.  It's so beautiful that even when you aren't in relationship with God, He is still truth and truth can still change your life.  

So, I wrestled for a year or so.  When I say wrestle, I actually mean thought about it every now and again, but then got frustrated or discouraged to then blocked reality out of my life.  I felt far from God, and I wanted HIM to do something about it. I was totally happy to admit my complete inability to come to him myself, and wanted Him to completely rescue me.  I envision it like saving a comatose victim from a burning building, and I think I would have been happy to stay comatose forever.  Obviously, when you're in this situation you can't see that you're wanting something so sad and so far from the heart of God.  

Then, when we got back from England, Joshua and I had a fight.  Yes, we fight sometimes.  And, no, having a hormonal, pregnant wife who is also not a Christian did not help the situation surprisingly.  I was telling Joshua how I wasn't feeling pursued by him and how that broke my heart.  We were both getting pretty upset, so we decided to have some alone time, which is actually pretty rare for us.  It was like as soon as Joshua left the room, through my sobbing I heard God say, "When have you ever pursued me like you're asking Joshua to pursue you."  And then it hit me, I'm breaking God's heart. And then, all of a sudden I didn't even care about Joshua pursuing me.  Honestly, at that moment, I couldn't have cared less if Joshua had never loved me.  It didn't matter.  I wanted to pursue God. I wanted to spend some time with God, so I went downstairs (we were actually at our friends house during this...) and just grabbed a book off the shelf to read.  It was Crazy Love by Francis Chan.  

There are so many particular things that stood out to me about Crazy Love, more than I could ever remember or tell you.  It really helped open my eyes.  It was the first time I had pursued God.  The most important thing I think that it did was help me to spend time in my Bible.  I had never really read my Bible consistently or outside of church.  (So, when I say things like I couldn't see how I didn't understand how Jesus could be the Messiah, I also wasn't looking.)  I never had the discipline, honestly.  I would even sit down and say to myself, "Self, I'm going to do a detailed study on Isaiah to see about Jesus being the Messiah."  Let's just say I'd be surprised if I ever got to Isaiah 3.  But I was finally seeing how amazing God was (falling in love), and so I wanted to find out more about him.  So, I was still kind of having the same problem, but less so.  I was falling in love with God, but still unsure about Jesus.  Then something from the book (actually the Bible, but I read it in the book) stopped me in my tracks.  We are Jesus' inheritance.  Seriously?  Jesus, why didn't you ask for all the riches in the world, all the power in the world.  Us, really?  If I were to parade about as the Son of God, I wouldn't care about people.  I'd care about ME.  "If you love me feed my sheep."  If you love me, feed me!  How could you not fall in love with someone like that?  Jesus loves people.  I'd always known that he died for sins, but that actually never affected me a ton. Everyone dies (not like that, I know, especially when he didn't have to die ever, but just being honest here), so he died a terrible death, but it never really caused me to drop everything and follow him.  But, you know what?  His death isn't what caused anyone in the Bible to drop everything and follow him.  It was his love.  His love is the most amazing thing I've ever heard of.  Like he didn't even just care about people's spiritual needs, he cared about people, period.  He healed them, he encouraged them, he ate with them.  I didn't matter what kind of people.  He loved them, he wept over them.  So, then I decided I wanted to pursue God and Jesus. 

Even then though it wasn't easy (still isn't).  It's a journey, which if worthwhile, always involves ups and downs, detours and hardships. I would still forget how cool Jesus was, I would still struggle with discipline.  This is silly, because I know I said this story started at Asher's birth, but we are just now getting to the time right before I had Asher.  It's true, but this was the journey.  I remember struggling with patience, basically I was struggling with my own insignificance.  Like, I can't control anything, not even when my baby comes.  God could kill me right now, or take away everything I have and I couldn't do anything.  Moreover, few people would/should even notice or care.  I'm just that small.  I was also struggling still with why God just wouldn't rescue me.  I knew I needed God, why wouldn't he just save me?  I remember going outside one night, completely freezing but just sobbing for God to save me.  I just wanted to feel God.  I went back inside and I still hadn't felt God.  There were a few weeks in here where I wrestled with this, why wouldn't God just save me?  Then somewhere in there, God showed me that it's a process (at least for me).  It's consistently seeking him.  It's falling in love, not a sudden arranged marriage.  So, we kind of began courting. I started listening to a sermon a day, reading my Bible consistently, praying more consistently.  All with God's strength and help.  Then it would be like I'd have a question in my head and very distinctly and directly would God answer it.  I read Forgotten God (by Francis Chan, read it after Crazy Love, seriously do it.), so I started praying for the Holy Spirit in my life.  Just slow and steady, everyday, persistent.  I'd love to go through all the things that God has taught me/is teaching me.  But they're too numerous for here right now.  If there's any questions, I'd love to talk about them.  Then there was about a time about 3 months ago, where I looked back at the last couple weeks and realized that I totally trusted in God.  That I was a follower of Christ and had this beautiful relationship with the creator of the Universe.  It's the real thing.  I talk to God and he hears me.  God shows me things from his word, gives me wisdom beyond my understanding, and tangibly, miraculously meets my needs as only he can.  The best part?  Joshua has taken this journey with me.  I don't know if there's a time where he would ever say he wasn't a Christian, but I know that there's been a huge change in him as well.  He's leading our family like never before, he's so in love with God, and so in love with God's people.  God's letting us join with Him in his kingdom on Earth.  There are still days when it's hard, but there's this binding faith that is amazing.  I'm learning that it's not a "once saved, always saved" thing for me.  I'm not saying anything bad about that doctrine, because I honestly have no idea how salvation works.  But, I know for me, I want to be in relationship with God consistently, almost constantly.  It's not something where I'm saved, and can check that off the list.  It's like I don't have to wait until I die to receive my reward, I have a relationship with God.  Yes, God, the one who made the Universe, God.  The most amazing being ever loves me.  That's my reward, it's not a saved thing.  It's a getting to live out his kingdom right now thing.  

We're seeing more and more of the Holy Spirit's fruit in our lives.  Like things that could never come from us are showing up in our lives.  It's totally radical and amazing.  Like I've lost 23 pounds, have never followed a diet before in my life, but God is burdening my heart for people that don't have enough food and has convicted me about overeating.  In parenting, sometimes the Holy Spirit will stop me and ask what the most loving response to a situation would be.  Like, when I'm super stressed and grumpy, he just stops me.  It could only be from him, trust me.  The Holy Spirit is showing me how much he loves people and helping me yield to that love.  Never could come from me.  He's showing me evidence of himself in other people that I've never seen before.  It's amazing.  No, I don't have all the answers, but it's a journey, it's supposed to be a journey and God is with me. 

What does that look like tangibly right now for us?  We have no idea! It's true.  All we know is that right now God wants us to get out of debt so that we are not serving two masters.  We need to be free to go/do whatever God calls us to.  Then, we're planning to move to Portland in August.  We're thinking that's where he's calling us, but are open to whatever he has for us.  So, we're just journeying with God, open to his call.  Living right now where he has called us.  We know we want to love people, feed people, serve people to follow Christ's example, that's about it. 

I didn't aim to write my testimony when I started this, but it just kind of flowed out of me from the Holy Spirit.  Miraculously, both of my babies slept this entire time and are just now waking up.  Yeah, God is good.  

Kendall

Which child do you think is cuter?

Happy Memorial Day!

In light of my last post where I compared my children, I thought this sweet conversation I had with my 5 year old nephew last night was perfect.  It was just precious.

My nephew, Jake, (in all earnestness and sweet curiosity) started talking to me as I was holding Asher.

Jake: So, don't you just think he's cuter?  Since he's littler...
Me:  Well, he is awfully cute, but Judah's really cute too because he's can do lots of fun things since he's bigger...
~ Jake pauses a second to contemplate the many mysteries of the universe.  He finally replies once he's sorted them out.
Jake: Oh, so Asher's the cute one and Judah's the fun one.
Me:  Sure!

*Just a disclaimer, I really do think my children are equally cute and fun, they're just different.*

How cute is that, it was just so black and white to him.  Just loved it!

      

The fun one....  

                                                                     The cute one...

Kendall

Oh Brother!

I thought it would be fun to share some of the similarities and differences between the boys.  They are such a joy, and are turning out to have pretty different personalities.  You know what they say, variety is the spice of life!

I really think the only thing better than having one little boy around....

                                                

 is having two!

                                     

For starters, they both completely adore each other, but in different ways.  Judah is always watching out for "Asssshh."  He's such a helper.

 You'll notice that Asher has big bird and Judah's blankie piled on him. He was fussing a little bit so Judah wanted to make him feel better, what a sweetheart!  And let me tell you, Judah LOVES his blankie, so sharing it is big stuff...

Sometimes he's a little too much of a helper for Asher... :)

Asher loves Judah, seriously.  If Judah's in the room, good luck getting Asher's attention.  Asher just smiles and talks to Judah, he really looks up to him!

If Judah does some light reading, Asher wants in on the action too!

Judah's okay with that.

Both boys look great in daddy's hat.:

Although it actually fits Judah.  He has a huge head, bless his little heart.  He gets it from Joshua... :)

 

Asher has a little head, he takes after me that way.  In general, Judah has Joshua's body type and Asher has mine.  BUT, Judah has more my face and Asher has Joshua's.  It's like one of those kid's puzzles where you can put different faces on different bodies...

 Both boys love their food...

Look how big Asher is getting.  I guess there's another similarity, they're both the size of toddlers... :)  When we stand Asher up he comes to Judah's nose.  He's so tall!

They are both mama's boys...

And daddy's boys...

It is actually kind of weird, neither of them really prefers one of us over the other.  Apparently we're equally cool.  I'm okay with that.  Although both boys agree that Joshua is more handsome.  (Me too!)

Judah's getting to that age where he's really trying to be involved in everything.  It's fun to see more of his little personality (or big personality as it turns out!) through this.  He has such an amazing attention span, longer than mine for sure.  He has to finish a task before moving on to the next one.  He has a helpful heart.  Here he is putting ALL the clean clothes into Asher's drawer.  You can see Joshua's pants and our towels. Like I said, a helpful heart... ;)

Judah loves animals...

Asher loves hands... 

Asher is our daredevil already.  He loves being bounced and tossed around.  Judah on the other hand...

Yes, this is Judah using his hands to be able to step up on this inch tall tree stump...

Worst part?  He totally gets that from me!

They are both super curious and interested in the world around them.

Pepper grinders are the bomb!

Trying desperately to get a spot on our wood floor so he can munch it.  Good luck little buddy! :)

They both make hilarious faces:

 They call me bubba...

 And super sweet faces:

In conclusion, I love my boys.  They're both so different and so similar and most of all, such a precious blessing!

Giveaway Winner and Coconut post #3

First first of all, I have been working on this post for over a week now. Every time I start it, it seems one of my children wakes up.  I apologize, I was not trying to keep up the suspense, I was simply chasing around 2 little men. :)

Second first of all, I want to thank everyone that commented on the last post.  You all are the sweetest and best ever!  Now, for the winner of the deodorant giveaway.  I just want you to know first that I did it completely non-biased-like and picked my favorite person.  Just kidding.  Here's how it went down: I gave each person a number and did a random number generator on random.org.  Yes, I just copied this method from other people, this should not surprise you.  (I did, however, go rogue and give a bonus point to Jess for using the word "poop" in her comment, but that just evened out the negative point for being late :) So, with much ado and without further ado the winner of the super duper first giveaway is: Contestant #1 - Jordan!  Jordan was my roommate in college and she really is the most encouraging and sweetest person ever.  So I'm so happy to send her the ingredients to maker her own deodorant. I just received the coconut oil in the mail, so I'm going to try and ship it out soon to you!

And now for Coconut Oil use #3: Diaper Rash/Whatever's ailing you Ointment

No, it's not your imagination. Yes, this blog is going downhill fast.  First we talk about pits, now bums. I apologize.  But if you try these things, those pits and bums will thank me. Coconut oil works on diaper rash really fast, every time.  I have a little container I keep by our diapering supplies and just put a little bit on whenever I think of it. It's also good for eczema or just as a general lotion.  I heard somewhere that it's the only natural oil that has the ability to be absorbed into your skin, so maybe that explains the amazing-ness.  And, of course, it's big bird approved...  Try it, you'll love it.

Making Our Own Deodorant

So, use number 2 for coconut oil is probably my favorite one.  We went regular deodorant free a couple months ago and have been loving it.  I was really worried at first, because I tried a couple years ago and it irritated my underarms.  I guess I'm just a sensitive kind of person...

This time I found another recipe that didn't use cornstarch, because I suspected that was the culprit.  I must have been right (yes, it does happen every once in a while), because this time it hasn't irritated my delicate baby smooth skin at all.

Now, the question you've all been asking in your heads:  Do you smell?  I'm not going to take too much offense, because if you have to ask it means I don't reek bad enough for you to smell it from where you're sitting.  Score. Joshua and I both have been using it and neither of us have had any complaints.  I work out each night at Farrell's and I told the lady beside me to tell me if I smelled because I was testing a new deodorant.  Yes, I asked a lady to smell me just so I could report back.  Pretty legit, hey?  And I didn't smell.  After working out so hard I almost dropped dead there on the spot, I still didn't smell.  That's good enough for me!  Joshua hasn't smelled either, according to me.  He's not brave enough to ask the people at his work if he smells. I guess that's why I'm the one with the wildly popular blog and he's not.  Wait...  Just kidding.  If I had a wildly popular blog I'd have to do things like post regularly and proof read and think before I say things. Anyway, there you have it, you can use this and not smell it's amazing!  The only thing that's different is I noticed I do sweat a little more.  But I think our bodies are supposed to sweat and it's not excessive or noticeable, so I don't sweat it. See, if I had a big blog, I wouldn't get to say ridiculously corny things like that and I feel like that would be a disservice to the world.  Or not.  Can't decide.

So, now for the recipe! I got it/modified it from Organized Simplicity by Tsh Oxenreider. Which is a fantastic book that I would recommend for any family.  Seriously helped us sit down and figure out our family mission and then encouraged us to simplify our lives so that everything was working to accomplish that mission.  How awesome is that.  I'd never before thought about simplicity being in things we do as well as things we own.

Homemade Deodorant
1/4 c. baking soda
1/4 c. Arrowroot Powder
5 Tbsp. Coconut oil
A few drops of the essential oil of your choice (I did tea tree for it's antibacterial properties)

Mix the dry ingredients, add the coconut oil a little bit at a time.  Add the drops of essential oil.  Then you can just spoon it into an old deodorant container. Easy Peasy.  Or you can just keep in a jar and apply it with your fingers.

So, I've never done this before and it might be a flop.  But I'd love to help someone try this for themselves, so I'm going to try doing a give away.  If you comment on this (it's just the only way I know you're interested), I will do a drawing for a give away.  I'll give or mail the winner a jar of coconut oil and the ingredients for the deodorant, that way you can try it yourself! I'll make Monday the cut off date, so comment before then and you'll be entered! :)

Well, Judah's been counting the slats on his crib for the whole 20 minutes he's been in there.  I should probably go get him before his brain explodes.  He only knows 1 and 2, after that he just makes stuff up.  1, 2, no, do, ba, la, mo....  I guess I need to have him watch more Sesame Street. Hmmm....

Kendall

Happy May!

Hi, my name is Kendall, and it's been 13 days since my last post.  Now is when everyone affirmingly says "hi Kendall."  Now that I feel warm and fuzzy, I'll share a little of what's been going on at our hizz-house.  (Yes, this will probably be one of those posts where it is overwhelmingly obvious I need more sleep. I'll try to limit commentary... :)

Lots of snuggling.

 Sushi with Auntie Bethany.  Judah was so brave.  I think this picture makes him look like a Dr. Seuss Character?  Any ideas for names?  I can't think of anything but Judah-loo-who.

 We loved having Bethany come visit us.  There was lots of playing, talking, and cuddling to be had! 

 Asher wasn't as big a fan of the sushi, so here he's dreaming of milk... :) 

Little man is growing like a weed I tell you!  He's already on level 2 for the jumperoo. I picked this picture because he is Joshua's clone.  

Daddy and Asher 

No wonder I think Asher is so cute! :)

 Brother to Brother Conversations...

 

Asher totally loves Judah.  It's going to be so fun when they can play together!

 Judah has become determined to take pictures too.  I usually can get about 5 pictures in until I surrender the camera.  This is how Judah sees Asher apparently...

My little finger chewer. Um num!

And I really will post about making our own deodorant.  I was going to do it, honest, but then I got side-tracked by cute pictures...  So the next post will be the pits.  Sorry, that was bad, but now I've said it, it's done with, and we can all move on, phew!

Kendall