Hard Stuff

I learned something today.  Well, actually I’m pretty sure I learned 859 things today – but one stood out above the rest. I’ve finally figured out how to respond to people doing hard things.  This is because I am finally doing a hard thing – something that I can’t dismiss as easy or not too bad.  It’s really hard, if not too hard for me.  We have taken 3 little boys into our family for the next 6 months to 1 year.  I now have 5 boys between 3 and 5 in my 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom ranch.  We still haven’t figured out how to fit everyone into one vehicle.  I’m not actually sure that’s even possible.  Anyway, long story short, we are overwhelmed and relying on God like every single second of every single minute – and even with the grace that I can actually see coming from God, I can’t stop crying.  I haven’t slept in two days, haven’t really had time to eat since yesterday at lunch, and am not sure what I’m running on – but whatever it is does not include emotional stability.  And then when I see loving, life-giving friends they tell me how amazing I am, basically superwoman – and it feels wrong.  Really wrong.  (Unless you’re referring to the tights she wears, because heavens knows I can’t handle putting on real pants.  Maybe in a couple of months I’ll dig out pants that an adult would wear, but to be honest I will probably have forgotten how the whole button/zipper thing works and just scrap the adulting thing all together.  Which goes to further show how unawesome I am.)  We are not awesome, we have just been called to this hard, beautiful work.  Being incompetent doesn’t give you an out to being chosen for difficult, scary things.  I am not more qualified for this than anyone, so I just can’t accept anything that implies otherwise.  Everyone will be called to walk through hard, beautiful things – so let’s just level the playing ground here.  Let’s not set anyone up on a pedestal, because that’s a really lonely place to be.  I think we should break down those artificial barriers we place between us and the scary things.  Join in.  In all the love and sympathy and compliments, what spoke most to me was when people would look me in the eyes and ask me about my heart.  How I was doing, how the boys were doing – they genuinely cared.  In that moment of sharing, of being heard and loved, being truly seen for the incompetent incredulous person I am – the burden was eased.  It’s really simple, and I feel silly for not having figured it out before, but it’s beautiful and big.  We can carry each other’s burdens because we’re all unqualified.  So next time someone I know is journeying through the swamp – I want to jump on in – the water’s frigid, slimy, and possibly alligator infested, but you can’t beat the company.